So my mom visited me today. And we sat down to watch this www.contracostatimes.com/break…
And this is what my mom said (in Hindi, mind):
''Oh my god! How could those girls let that happen? Don't they know any better? Don't they know right from wrong? I just... can't understand what was going through their heads. I mean, if my (male) teacher asked me to give him oral sex I would've been like 'Ew. Gross,' and told someone. Don't they know how to speak up, how to tell someone? Didn't those kids think that behaviour was inappropriate, strange and not right at all? What is wrong with kids these days!''
My older sister, Sandita, the only one in my family who knows about my abuse, saw the look on my face and tried to reason with Mama. ''But Mama,'' Sandita said, ''these kids were scared. They didn't know what to do. These adults overpowered them and gained their trust. That's what pedophiles do. Deep down, these kids know its wrong...but there's a lot of conflicted feelings going on. Part of their bodies feel right and respond accordingly while their brain is telling them 'NO!' But it's fear that holds these kids back. They're afraid of being blamed, bullied, not taken seriously, disowned by their families, or even ... they're lost. They just don't know where to go, who to trust. They keep letting it happen because they think it's their fault and they deserve it somehow. They don't know how to fight back.''
And my mom just shook her head. ''Still. Kids should be brought up to know right from wrong. They should have programs in schools or something that teach kids it's wrong when someone touches you inappropriately. They should teach kids how to defend themselves, how to find help when there's a problem. These kids aren't that young though. I can understand if they were 4-10. But if you're 11, 12, 13...you should know better!''
Sandita sighed and gave up, and then she turned to me. I didn't know what to say. I was just disappointed that my mom would respond like that. Would she blame me if she knew? Would she think I was too ignorant and foolish to learn to go to someone? Would she think I should have known better for letting the abuse continue this long? I asked to be excused before visiting hours were over and one of the nurses escorted me back to my room where I cried myself to sleep.
That's it. I love my mom but she's too close-minded. I can never tell her what happened to me. Not when I was 14, and certainly not what happened between myself and some of my Senseis at school in Japan. She just doesn't understand and she never will. She only knows about my best friend and co-founder Shanti because we adopted her. Not legally. But she's part of our family in spirit. Mama doesn't know the whole truth. She only knows Shanti was abused by her brother, but not the details of the abuse. She doesn't know how Ishaan took sexual advantage of both Shanti and I for nearly five years. I never told my family except Sandita.I wanted to tell them all as a family. That's why I was making the comic, ''Wing of Crippled Glass'' (in which this group is named after and Shanti's dA username). It keeps getting delayed though. My father is dead, and we have to file a restraining order against Ishaan. So these are obstacles. Now I'm reluctant to make the comic. My mom would hate me if she knew. And I can't bear that. I already lost Papa. I don't want to lose her too. I need my family the most right now but I'm deathly scared what will happen if they eventually know the truth.